I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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