I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
