I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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