hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
