i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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