I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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