Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
