can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
