somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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