I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
