I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
