She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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