I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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