Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
