Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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