I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
4 words: hood of his car
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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