You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
