I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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