Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
