Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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