Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
