I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
