yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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