dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
