I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
