How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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