btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
