cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
