I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
