i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
