What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
