You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
