Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
