Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
