Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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