Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
