the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
