I'm gonna have a badass scar
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
