Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
