There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
