If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
