I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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