thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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