it wasn't lemon gatorade
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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