i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
