I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
