Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize