My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
