If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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