I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
