she woke up with a sticky ear
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
