I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
